• Uncle Stevie

No Hitters Are Simply Not Impressive


Baseball has had a Baseball problem for the last 10-15 years. It is a dying sport (sorry Roachey), and somehow it is only getting worse. Unwritten rules are ruining the sport, old people that love baseball are ruining the sport, the worst commish in sports is ruining the sport and once a fairly rare, proud baseball moment is being ruined by baseball itself. The No Hitter is a complete joke now a days, everyone gets one like you are in the audience at Oprah's Christmas special.

I used to revel in breaking up no hitters by sending a text about them to Roachey, something I'd take pride in but now it is more common then triples in a season. Baseball gurus say that pitching wins championships, well then we currently have about 7 teams that have won a championship this year and it's only May. It is a joke, somehow baseball has taken the best part of baseball out of baseball, bags, hits, homers, and scoring runs. When a No No was going down 15 years ago, it would break into ESPN and show the final 6 outs, it was an event. Now Sportscenter just puts it on the bottom line and doesn't even show a highlight. It is almost unfathomable that baseball could consistently make it's sport worse year in and year out. I pray for the CBaby's of the world that maybe baseball gets it head out of its ass before it becomes extinct but I am afraid that there will be a 16 yr old Cbaby wondering around the halls of his home school without a fantasy baseball roster to check on, and his father silently crying inside that his beautiful game is gone forever. So thank you baseball for further ruining anything that used to be cool and entertaining about baseball, I haven't seen an organization this poorly run since a little company down in Texas called Enron, ever heard of it?


I have the perfect solution for baseball, something to bring the fans back, something to save Cbaby from living his life as an outcast baseball nerd. Close your eyes while you read this, a speed demon on the base path, great instincts, flair for the dramatic, never gets caught.


A player that has amassed a season and record that has never been seen before and will never be seen again. Are you captivated now? Open your eyes, what you see is a tall, lanky, skinny kid, that has a frame that could certainly support some steroids' if anyone knew how to find them. It is a 14 yr old Stevie F Whalen, the F stands for baby. A fresh faced, young Stevie set a record that still stands today even after 20 years. A record that is more untouchable than a 56 game hit streak, we are talking about going 22 for 22 in stolen bags. If this happened in modern day baseball it would be the biggest news story in the world, would easily win the SI sportsmen of the year award, the Cbaby's of the world would be begging their parents to let them take a break from school and walk from the dining room into the living room to watch live break ins every time this particular person got on base. But that was 20 years ago, does the Stevie Kid still have the legs to captivate and bring a divided nation together? Now I will have to be humble here and say I probably couldn't go 22 for 22 in the bigs at 34 years old with no baseball experience past the age of 14. BUT I don't think it's unrealistic to think I could rip 11 bags on 11 tries with the talentless catchers that play in MLB today. You're Welcome Baseball, You're Welcome World.

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